It didn’t happen all at once. One day, I woke up and realized I couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling, this weight on my chest and legs and arms and hips. But overnight, it had doubled in size. I was frozen. Afraid. Drowning in grief.
It swallowed me slowly. It would pierce through my ribs as I dared to take a full, wild breath. It was a rivulet of sorrow surging forth after body-shaking pleasure. Slowly slowly, heaviness crawled over me.
It was so quiet I was able to ignore it for a long time. I kept myself busy. I meditated as I always do. I danced. I ate good food. I basked in the love of friends. I made love. I swam in lakes.
At the same time, some wild power was growing in me. For some reason unknown to me. Maybe it was there all along. Maybe it was just the right time. Maybe it was some new collective current moving through. But I could feel a tide rising. And the heaviness desperately wanted to keep it down, wanted to keep me down.
Some new life was clawing its way out from inside of me. It was wild. I was at once enthralled, blissed, terrified. What was this force?
The heaviness was winning. My body felt tense most of the time. My mind was split into shards of glass I could never sweep up off the floor, much less glue back together. None of prior joys lifted me into myself in the same ways. I wanted to run. And crawl in a hole. And cling to someone. And be completely left alone.
And then I began to let the wild win. Not all at once. But bit by bit. I let this new animal inside have her fresh breathing. I let myself dream into new directions. I took myself away from the worn tracks of my life, the habits and home. I took new teachers in. I drank the wild deep into my bones. My flesh. My sex. My heart.
Little by little, the heaviness lifted. It didn’t take as long as I thought it would. And it wasn’t as scary. Because once the new animal had her space, she calmed. She strutted around and swung her tail against the saplings. She giggled with flowers. Sometimes she growled at me for new lands, less thinking, more loving, less worry. And I abided.
As I slept one night, she curled into my side. I don’t know if it was eight hours or a thousand lifetimes. I don’t know if what is left is me or her or neither. All I know is the heaviness has gone. And in it’s place are new and wild longings that pierce clouds like ringing thunder. They crack into the sky and make it bleed fresh, ancient beauty. And I follow them. The longings. Like never before. I will follow them all the way into the center of the earth. And all the way into the center of all the stars.
Now, the wild has won. My body is softer, even in the places that were hard at birth. My mind shines like light snowlight. And there is this current. A rush of vitality. Of passion. Of life. Of innocent pure joy. Of power. That now carries my life forward. All I can do is giggle at the beauty of it all.
So much has shifted in me post-sabbatical. And is still shifting. Returning home, I was unsure if I wanted to lead my fall retreat. A retreat that I’ve led for the past four years. One that has lit me up and put me smack in the current of my dharma in such an ecstatic way. It’s been one of the biggest gifts of my life. And it’s given so much to so many people. But I felt a strong NO to doing it again this year. I was confused by this. So I did what I do, I went up to Lake Superior to meditate. To ask for guidance and inspiration. She is the one place on earth that always supplies answers for me. A never-ending well of beauty, truth, and love.
For a few days, nothing came. And then after four days of laying by the lake, just listening…CRACK! It came through crystal clear and booming.
The Wild Bliss Women’s Retreat
The lake nearly demanded it. It must happen and it must be a women’s retreat. And so this is what will be…
You, dear shaktis, are invited to a long weekend along the sacred shores of Lake Superior, in the magical woods with me. I will be pulling together all my magic for you. Taoist tantra, kundalini, ritual, earth ceremony, and wiiiiiild bliss.
During the last few weeks of my sabbatical, there were torrential downpour downloads coming into me of ritual retreats for women. Returning to original innocence, wildness, sexuality, power, beauty, radiance, love, magic. This will be the beginning.
It is time for my animal and I to share with you what has been lifetimes in the making. This retreat is meant to gently awaken that beautiful animal in you. Your wild. To tenderly coax her forward into full breathing and dancing and celebration. To shake off the heaviness, the doubt, the shame, the fear…and walk out into the life you came here for.
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